He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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