My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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