I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I currently don't understand fingers.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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