in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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