My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
