party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
