I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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