I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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