Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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