How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
