Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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