here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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