Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
