I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
