super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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