My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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