explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
