the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
