My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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