Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
