the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
