I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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