my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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