I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
