hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
