I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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