my room smells like sperm. sweet.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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