fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So much rum. So many feels.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
