Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
