So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
