If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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