There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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