I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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