I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
