my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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