I never want to see another naked old woman again.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
