Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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