Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Randomize
