So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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