I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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