I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
