It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
