if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She is in my trunk
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
