I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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