Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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