dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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