Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
