How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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