It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
