In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
