hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The Olympian is in my bed
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
