Just cropdusted the office
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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