you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
