I wish I could punch you in the face.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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