Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
